Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Dark Before the Light...

Things seem dark, yes.

We wonder why God would allow us to hurt like this, Oh yeah…..

And yet, we hold on to Him.  Trusting that His bigger picture will hold a beauty beyond our comprehension.  Knowing that there are things we cannot see happening, to bring us a better ending.

 (thanks for this verse Kylie girl!)

There is good for those who love God.

We have to wait for the light.

The pain we are feeling won't compare to the joy that is coming.

This is why I dare to believe I still have a reason to sing
{even though I'm not yet singing again}.

This  is what allows us to believe that we are in the dark before the morning.

And what a beautiful morning awaits us.


Hit play to listen to the words of this song.
Let them soak deep into your soul.
And remember them.
We are.

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Saturday, November 1, 2014

We're Home

We made it home late Wednesday night.

It felt good to be in hubby's arms.

And, bless his heart, we came home to a cleaned, dusted and vacuumed home!  As well as this beautiful bouquet of flowers that express his beautiful love for us!……


My words are void as I try to express my gratitude to ALL of you who have BLESSED us with your words, prayers and encouragement.  So many of you "get it" and for that I am eternally grateful.  Your heartfelt ways of reaching out to me have literally been my lifeline.  And will continue to be in the days ahead.

I want to THANK my dear sweet friend, Wendy, who brought us a yummy soup and delish red wine our first night home.  Both the soup and your thoughtfulness warmed my soul ~ and the red wine was the key to relaxation!  Your sweet friendship is a blessing, my friend!

Ashlynn…...your precious "ray of sunshine" was so thoughtful!  The thirty-one bag filled with all things yellow, to bring sunshine to my days has done just that!  And the movie!  Oh, "Mom's Night Out" is just as bit funny as peeps have said it was!  Thanks for the laughs.  I needed them!  And what a great family cuddle night we had on the couch last night…sprinkled with your chocolate!  Your thoughtfulness abounds!

My emotions are on quite the roller coaster ride.  I feel sick and want off.

I'm reminded of how Jesus asked God if the burden of his crucifixion could be removed…"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."  {Luke 22:42}

Jesus wanted to skip that dark and scary and painful chapter.  And yet, He wanted more than anything for God's will to be carried out above His own.  

Now, I'm not saying IN ANY WAY that this chapter of our adoption comes even close to comparing to the crucifixion of Jesus.  What I am saying, is that the crucifixion reminds me of Jesus' faithfulness.  His steadfastness.  

Jesus stuck it out.  

He walked out a much harder sacrifice…….all the while trusting that God's will was better than His own.  Trusting that God's ways were higher than His ways.  

This encourages me.  Though I may not like where we are right now, Jesus endured much worse, and still offered God his complete surrender and trust.

I want to do the same.  I want to walk out God's plan for us.  For our family.  

Though fear and doubt exist, I don't want them to hinder our trust and belief in God.

I want to continue to completely surrender and trust that God's ways are higher.  

I want to trust that He WILL bring us through this.  That there will be Joy in the morning, if we can just endure the present darkness.

We do BELIEVE that God has a baby girl for us.  And He will bring her to us, and us to her.

At the right and perfect time.  HIS divine time.

Until then…..we endure the sorrow.  We ask God to heal our broken hearts.  We thank Him for the love that surrounds us.

And we pray that He brings the light.  Soon.

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Wednesday, October 29, 2014


I can't believe I have to write this.  I don't know how to even write this.

I have even had a couple of days to process this and I am still numb.  Speechless.  Though my heart has had many words to say through tears.

The boys and I arrived in Florida Sunday evening, and we were just walking into the hotel when Jeff called with life-changing news.

Birth Mom had delivered the baby on Friday and had just contacted the lawyer to say that she and birth dad had decided to parent this baby girl.

Tears roll as I type this news.

I am in shock.  I am numb.  I am devastated.  
I am angry, hurt, confused and bewildered.

We knew that this could happen, it's just that the birth parents had been so resolute about their decision. That is, up until a week or two before delivery.

I don't hold a grudge toward the birth parents.  My heart has gone out to them innumerable times as I try to imagine their situation.

I don't hold anger towards God for allowing this to happen.  I am trying HARD to cling to my belief that He brought us to this adoption journey and He will only allow the gifting of THE SPECIFIC baby girl that HE has chosen for our family.  

But I do have anger.  Anger toward the outcome.  Anger toward the loss.  Oh, the dreams that are lost.

Not that I have lost faith that God is guiding us, but the dreams for this particular babe are gone.  They were taken away from me so suddenly and unexpectedly.

This ~ this heartbreak and agony and deep loss ~ is part of our journey to the precious child God has for us.  I just wish we could have skipped this dark chapter of the journey.

For, amongst the anger, stirs so many stronger emotions such as devastation.  Deep hurt.  Confusion and bewilderment.

This sudden and unexpected turn of events has brought such a heaviness upon my heart that I find it hard to breathe.  I struggle to understand.  I repeatedly ask why this had to end this way.

After all, I may not have carried this baby in my belly, but I certainly carried her deeply within my heart.  Just as a bio mom loves her unborn child and anticipates the meeting of her, so did I.  Just as a birth mom can't wait to meet the sweet face she has been imagining for months, I did too.  Just as a child grows her own little space within her birth mom's heart, this sweet baby girl grew her very own space in my heart as well.

And now what do I do with this love????????????

My head is still spinning.  My heart is still trying to cling to God while trying to trust that He has not forgotten us, but is, instead, working in ways that I cannot see, to bring the very baby girl He desires to gift us, home.

My head knows this.  To the core.  But my heart is trying to get that confident faith back.

Jeff has been trying to touch base with many of you to spare me the sad sharing of our news.  Thank you, sweetheart.  I have not had it in me to share this change of events with very many, for saying or even texting the words make it all seem too real for me to face.  I don't have the words.  Only tears.  

Please know that I cannot even begin to thank you enough, family and friends, who have been covering us in prayer these past two days!!!   Your calls and texts have literally lifted me.  And I have to share that I have physically felt your prayers ~ especially today!    I found breathing a little easier.  I found my faith building strength.  I felt hope again.  I even laughed out loud with my boys.  Thanks to your prayers, kind words in texts, emails and voice messages.  

We are blessed to call you family and friends!!!!

Jeff is still in Boise, and sweet husband of mine, you have managed to be my rock even being on the opposite corner of this continent.  THANK YOU for upholding me from afar.  For breathing God's Word and His faithfulness into me, and for encouraging me to grieve in whatever manner I need to. 

You truly are my soul mate.  I've hated not having you here with us during this time, but you made your presence evident.  Your protection and provision for us has been nothing short of stellar, and I cannot find words to sufficiently express my appreciation of you, babe.

As I have said all along, it is our boys that built my faith in God's divine and specific orchestration of family, whether created biologically or via adoption.  And now, in my grief, it is still our boys who serve as my constant reminder of God's faithfulness.  It was a long and bumpy road to these precious boys, and I have always said that every tear shed during the wait for them was worth it, because God abundantly blessed us beyond our wildest imagination with our sons!

It is because of our boys that I can still hold strong to God in this.  I do not understand, nor do I like this chapter of our family story.  But I do know that I know He would only allow this to happen if He had a better version of our story in the works.

This match seemed to meet all of my personal desires.  I refuse to stop believing that one day  God will gift us an even better match.  Better, because it will bring us to our precious and already loved baby girl whom God has already chosen for us.

Until then, please pray for this sweet baby girl.  That she has a wonderful life filled with love and laughter.

And please keep my family and me in your prayers as we find a way to allow this new twist to settle.  Please pray for protection of our hearts.  May fear not be allowed to sneak in {please include Big Brother in this prayer}.  

Peanut knew that MAYBE God was going to bring us Baby Sis during our time in Florida.  MAYBE not.  So learning that it was a Maybe Not, he was not rattled.  He was not moved.  He is content to keep waiting.  

Oh the childlike faith we are called to have.  May I find it again.  Soon.

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Sunday, October 26, 2014

….And…We're Off!

The boys and I are heading off to Florida bright and early this morning!  We are filled with excitement, anticipation and joy!

It was SO PRECIOUS!  Tonight at dinner, sweet S was asking if he could be the first one to hold Baby Sis!  When told he likely would not be, he immediately began jockeying for second position!  Gotta love how both boys already LOVE their sister!

Birth mom had an appointment Friday, but I have not yet heard as to what is her current dilation status.   It was only a centimeter a week ago.

Knowing how quickly things can progress, we are getting to Florida ahead of time in hopes of honoring birth mom's wishes for my presence in the delivery room!  Oh, who am I kidding….these are my wishes too!  {wink!}

We will definitely keep you all posted as Baby Sis' due date of Oct 31st is just around the corner!

Please keep in mind that, although there is no reason for us to believe that things will altar from the established adoption plan, we appreciate prayers that God will continue to amaze us with His divine orchestration of this miraculous adoption journey!

Jeff is staying behind until "the call" saying that Baby Sis is about to make her debut, and then he will join us as fast as the plane with fly him!  Jobs.  They are an awesome blessing, but can really interrupt my ideal plans.  Know what I mean!?!?  ;)

THANK YOU to our wonderful house and dog sitter!  I am thankful to have one less thing to worry about knowing it is YOU caring for our fur babies and home!

We are ever so grateful for all of your prayers and support and would be lost without the blessed  love of family and friends!

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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Love Never Fears

THANK YOU to all who have been inquiring about BABY SIS!!!!

I have been a bit quiet here because we have been SO BUSY getting things ready for her!  {insert excited Mama grin here}  We have been remodeling all three kiddos bedrooms as of late and it has been super duper FUN ~ and, admittedly, a bit fatiguing!  ;))

Her nursery is almost ready and our hearts are overflowing with excitement!  In a matter of days we will be holding our sweet baby girl!!!!

My Dad and Doreen came for a wonderful visit and just left yesterday.  It was planned before getting matched with Baby Sis and Doreen would lose her vacation if they didn't keep it as scheduled.  I'm still walking around with a bit of a void from their departure yesterday, as it was a great time shared with them.  And the rest and relaxation was more needed by me than I realized!  Miss you already, Dad and Doreen!

Okay, so here's the scoop………

Baby Sis is due the end of the month.  There are no signs of dilation at this time.  Looks like she is going to be better at being on time than her Mama!  {wink}

We are awaiting "the call" that tells us things are just beginning to look like progression.  We will then hop on the very next flight and hope that we arrive in time for me to be in the delivery room!!!!    Yes, you heard that correct!  Birth Mom wants me in the delivery room!  Shaking my head in amazement.  Now the trick is to get there in time.  {Please God, Please God, Please!}

Can I go to FL early?  Yes, yes I can.  And I may, if she doesn't show any signs of arrival by this weekend.  We shall see.  We also know that we will be staying in Florida for an extended time following her birth, to await the processing of paperwork.  Trying to figure out the logistics of the best plan for all family members, right now.

After all, having never left Ka overnight, leaving him for two weeks and coming home with a baby would NOT facilitate a good transition to becoming a big brother.

The "plan" right now is that we all go down together and begin the family bonding immediately.  Cannot wait!!!!  So hard to believe this is right around the corner!!!

I am a planner.  I like to know how things are going to fall into place ahead of time.

I have none of that right now.  No set plans.  No clear understanding of how things will go.

And I am okay with it!  It's a God thing, I tell you! ;))

We are feeling God's peace that this is our sweet baby girl.  Yes, we are keeping in mind that Birth Mom has the right to change her adoption plan at any time and choose to be the best family for this little blessing.  We walk forward aware of this, but striving to not let it scare us.

My sweet sister sent me this picture last night (amidst a battle of not letting fear win).  It is the constant message God has been sending me in various forms from the very first day of stepping onto this beautiful adoption path.  I just have to share it here!

I was condemning myself a few days ago for not protecting my heart in all of this.  For diving in full board and walking forward without fear.  Every.single.time I begin to question if I should be walking in such confidence, I receive a gentle reminder of this very saying!!!

Love never holds the hand of fear!!!

How can I go wrong loving this child I have not yet seen?  Pregnant women do so, not knowing if they will miscarry……

How can I go wrong loving Birth Mom?  She is a strong, brave and courageous woman who only wants what is best for Baby.

God is love.  I can never go wrong in choosing to love.

And so, we continue to walk forward.  Hoping.  Trusting.  Loving. 

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